The All-NBA 'Thrive-Off-Chaos' Team
A look at which players do their best work when there's random insanity on the floor.
Have you ever caught yourself crossing the street right as the light on the crosswalk signal was ticking to 3 seconds? You get a sense of power taking that last step as the number strikes zero. You reached the other side while only doing a semi-fast walk the entire way. Is it maybe not as chaotic as you thought? No, but in your mind, it sure felt like you were close to getting run over or honked at by some husband who is late for dinner. The team I’ve compiled today will be based on which players in the league thrive off that same chaotic environment with a similar sense of power. These players, however, are dealing with very different elements. More often than not, they’re the ones creating the environments that they thrive in.
While wreaking havoc all over the court, they, in turn, are changing the climate so that they can become more powerful than ever before. They’re not adapting to the situation but are bending it to their whim. An airball that no one is ready to rebound for? These players are there almost every time. The opposing team picked up their dribble 5 feet from the 3 point line? You better believe the players here will call for a violent trap immediately. The last place you want some of these guys is at the end of a shot clock or any loose ball situation. Anyways, let’s get right into it, shall we? And be careful crossing the street, everybody.
Legacy Spot: Andre Iguodala
Let’s take a moment to honor the older generation who is still with us today. Andre Iguodala was one of the “beauty behind the madness” pioneers. There was never a wild closeout he didn’t punish immediately with a power dribble, followed by a dump-off pass for a dunk or a cross-court assist for an open shot. The guy made a living off of pushing the pace so hard up the floor with a dribble that looked like he was angry with the ball for taking his lunch money. You’d think he was out of control, but nope he knew immediately where he was going with it. Not to mention the guy's hands were havoc incarnate, causing more strips and flailing legs than Magic City. Here’s to you, Group Economics.
Guard: Kyle Lowry
The alignment system tells us of 3 different chaotic categories; Chaotic Good, Chaotic Neutral, and Chaotic Evil. Kyle Lowry fits into every one of these slots. You get the best of all worlds with the man who knows only one speed. He never seems to take possessions off or let you get away with the slightest hint of laziness. If he catches you going through the motions on a hand-off or swing pass, he’ll make you pay. He’s a human ball of controlled randomness that helps his team in any way he can. Drawing charges may be lame to someone like me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give Lowry his props for ending possessions with the most chaotic foul of them all. The man would draw a charge on his own grandmother if he had to. If you bring the ball down as you try posting him up with one of your towering big men after a frantic switch, better believe that ball is getting snatched some way. The guy literally tried crawling between someone’s legs for a foul! That’s something a kid in an elementary school pick-up game would’ve tried. For Kyle Lowry, nothing’s off-limits because his play has no limits.
Guard: Steph Curry
This one might be a bit of a surprise but hear me out for a second. Do you ever realize just how much frenetic energy Steph causes when he’s out on the floor? Defenses scurry towards him as if they were a batch of puppies after their owner comes home from a day at the office. They’re at the mercy of his shot, and they have no choice but to bend to the power it holds. Steph and the Warriors know this and use it to their advantage. They leverage an out-of-control defense to create some of the cleanest looks a team can get. It used to mean not only a layup but also an open 3 pointer for Klay Thompson, but times have changed, as it’s mostly been some below-average shooters recently. This isn’t only when he has the ball, but when he runs around screens with a motor that seems never to run out. He won’t let you off the hook for any fraction of time. And if you decide to close-out a little too hard at him, he can sidestep for a 3 or finagle his way to the rim with a manner that’ll leave you speechless. That jumper may be picture-perfect, but the trail of bodies it leaves in its path can’t be understated.
Honorable Mentions: Lonzo Ball, Alex Caruso, Terrence Ross, De’Aaron Fox
Forward: Zion Williamson
He’s only been in the league for a short amount of time, but it’s undeniable how much Zion gravitates towards the manic energy that presents itself on the court. He knows the way teams are playing him as they sag back when he has the ball at the top of the 3 point line. What defenses fail to realize is that this is a trigger that’ll set off the loaded energy cannon. Before they can even realize it, they’re on their heels with only a prayer to help them against the large gazelle. Everyone is scrambling, not knowing what to do next. Even when it seems you’re out of it and he somehow misses near the rim, the ball finds its way back to him. The way his second jump comes so quickly can be dizzying to so many of us. To him, time seems to stand still, as everything in his path has been wrecked to bits. In transition after a sloppy turnover, Zion will find himself right in the midst of a perfect hit-ahead pass from fellow chaos devotee Lonzo Ball. Loose balls seem to find their way to him, and he’s always there to clean up the mess it leaves behind. The next step is for him to manifest that same power on the defensive side of the ball. But for now, I’ll enjoy watching as he treats the floor like a loose Jenga tower that he’s not afraid to knock over with his next move.
Forward: Kelly Oubre Jr
While he may not be the best player on this team, he may be the closest thing to the living embodiment of chaos. He’s definitely the one who most benefits and relies on the frenzy he creates or tries to, at least. He’s tried being a spot-up guy in his current Warriors stint, but that’s not who the Tsunami Papi is. He’s destined to take off those shackles and do the absolute most at all times. Sometimes it’ll manifest itself when he’s trying to violently dunk every single offensive rebound he can get his hands. Is that smarter than simply grabbing the ball and going back up with it? Perhaps not, but it wouldn’t be very Kelly Oubre, and he’s always going to try to be the most Oubre at all times. When he has it going, it’s a thing of mad beauty. Not because the shot is going down, but that it seems to empower him to act even more chaotic. Blowing kisses to the opposing sideline? Oh, yeah, sign me up for that. He’ll start flying even crazier on defense, and the flops/offensive fouls will be works of abstract art. I hope he never stops being the most.
Honorable Mentions: Jimmy Butler, Jeremy Lamb, Brandon Clarke, Derrick Jones Jr.
Center: Richaun Holmes
At first, I wasn’t going to have a center on this team and would instead add another forward. Maybe someone like Jimmy Butler or Draymond Green. But the more I thought about it, the more I found it only right that I include one because the center position is still alive and rocking. And it’s more apparent in Richaun Holmes, one of the liveliest centers in the league today. The Sacramento Kings are one of the more hectic teams in the league, so it’s no surprise Holmes has thrived alongside fellow chaotic enthusiast De’Aaron Fox and Tyrese Haliburton. Even before joining the Kings, Holmes would always be a magnet for this kind of play. When everything was out of control or looked like a Keystone Cops clip, that was where he’d thrive the most. It’s as if he has a hand in every loose ball play, scramble drill under the rim, or tip competition after an offensive rebound. Appropriately, Holmes always seems to finish these possessions with dunks reminiscent of Kenyon Martin, who is in a similar spectrum. The man is a magnet for madness, and I enjoy watching him play in the same way I enjoy watching John Malkovich act.
Honorable Mentions: Montrezl Harrell, Nikola Jokic, Tristan Thompson
6th Man: Marcus Smart
I had to find a way to include the man who created the “stretch 6” position. It’s only appropriate that a player who creates an aura of insanity any time he steps on the floor be on this team. He’ll draw you into that very aura by forcing you to play on his terms. Smart is a player who’ll find a way to incorporate a drop-kick into a heady and winning basketball play. That’s just how he’s built, and it’s so fun to watch until he’s doing it against your team. The lengths he’ll go to for a flop cannot be matched. The man will attempt to break his own back if he has to. But even during those moments, you can’t help but appreciate how far he’s willing to go just for an extra possession. Mina Kimes once compared him to a Defensive Back playing basketball, and it makes so much sense. You turn your back thinking you’re safe, but the next moment he turns a routine ball out of bounds into an assist. Only a guy who wears robes regularly can truly harness the power of the chaos emeralds like Marcus Smart. Long live Smarf.